Entering into a new life in marriage means laying down the old life. Often, our old life we hold onto is not the life we are living right now but memories and feelings left from the past. Cleaning our heart is an important step in preparing for this new life. Clutter from the past interferes in more ways than we realize. Resentments and bitterness can come out sideways. We attack our loved ones in the present because we can’t attack those that hurt us in the past. As we remove these blocks, we have increased freedom to fully live and love in the present.
What about you? What is cluttering your heart? What do you need to let go of from the past in order to fully embrace the present?
| “Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.”
Psalm 51:10 |
This can be tricky to discern. How can you tell if you have unforgiveness? What are your thoughts toward that person? Do you celebrate their victories or does that anger you? Do you have peace when you think of them or are there some yucky feelings there? Many times I have wanted to believe I had forgiven but every time I’d think of that person, I could feel this anger rising. When genuine forgiveness is present, anger disappears.
It is important to note that there is a huge difference between forgiveness and restoration. To use a banking analogy, when a bank forgives a debt, it is merely saying that the debtor no longer owes that money. It is not loaning money to that person again. Forgiveness is simply letting go of the debt owed. When somebody wrongs us, they owe us a debt of respect or trust or honesty. Often we are hesitant to forgive because we think that means we have to trust that person again. This is not the case. Forgiveness is simply letting go of what that person owes us and wiping the slate clean. It is completely an inside job.
Forgiveness opens us up for the new thing God wants to do in our life. If we are pursuing repayment of an old debt, we aren’t investing ourselves in the new life right in front of us.
Put another way, when we forgive a debt, we are transferring that to Jesus. We are saying that we give this debt to Him and leave it in His hands to collect from the offending person. This also puts the repayment and restoration of that debt in His hands as well. Our new life with our husband is His restoration. We can miss His restoration if we are focused on collecting the old debts ourselves.
If you have identified some unforgiveness in your life, there are two steps that I have found to be effective in removing it.
| Father,
My prayer for each bride reading this prayer – and those that don’t – is that You would have Your way in them. May each one submit to Your voice and Your will as they embark on this new life in marriage. In Jesus name, Amen. |
- Give the debt to God. I have written many letters to people that have hurt me. I never actually give them the letters. That is not the purpose. In the letter, I clearly state what they did and how it affected me. I then – in writing – give this debt to God. I might say something like this, “Because of the work Jesus did on the cross, I transfer this debt to Him. I lay down my ashes and pick up His beauty.” Bringing the debt out into the open and exposing it to the light is really powerful. Sometimes the letter is sufficient to forgive but most often, I need to follow up with step two.
- Pray. I ask God to show me this person as He sees them. Usually what happens is I begin to see the other person’s brokenness and my anger is replaced with God’s compassion. Sometimes this happens very quickly, sometimes it’s a gradual process but eventually I begin to understand the hidden things of the heart and realize the person’s actions weren’t about me but their own brokenness. Once that happens, I am no longer angry and I am free from that debt. That freedom is exhilarating and liberating.
You will notice that this process directly involves God. I have never been able to truly forgive someone on my own. I may talk forgiveness on my own but I don’t feel forgiveness without God doing the work in my heart. In John, Jesus said we are branches and He is the vine. We can do nothing without Him. This includes cleaning our heart and forgiving those that have hurt us.
We do not have unlimited room in our heart. When it is cluttered with the things of the past, it cannot fully receive the things of the present. Cleaning our heart opens us up to bask in the love of our new marriage. I know the process of forgiveness is painful but I promise the fruit is worth the pain.
