The Truth About this Website

I have had enough. I am at my breaking point and I’m done.

I’ve had this internal conflict going on about this website.

On one hand, I am up to my eyeballs in debt. I was married to an abuser who left me deeply in debt and I’m holding on by a thread. One month we pay the phone bill and the next the electric. We are just barely staying a step ahead of total financial breakdown. And so, I decided to expand my income with this website. Except there’s a problem.

My faith and belief and morals will not let me build it the way I need to in order to make money.

In my former life before Jesus, I was a big business woman. It is quite a shock to realize that Jesus has spoiled me for the world. I’m no good for that anymore. I can’t do it.

Sure, I can tell you how to make a wedding favor out of pencils and somehow justify that as Christian because it is frugal or whatever but that’s not Christian. Christianity is not a different flavor of wedding cake. It is life and death.

Half of you will end up in divorce court.

Half of you will be beaten by your husbands.

Half of you have no business marrying this man and will come to regret your wedding – no matter how beautiful it may be.

I have tried for over two months to sell out for the sake of the almighty dollar but I can’t.

As much as I need the money, I need to be able to live with myself more.

As a Christian, I am called to shine the true light of Jesus into the darkness – especially when the darkness is in the church.

I have been afraid to shine it. I have been afraid to rock the boat but as my husband just pointed out, the boat is full of holes and sinking. Fast.

I am not called to continue the foo-foo femmy delusion. I’ve never had much tolerance for foo-foo femmy garbage. I’ve always thought it was shallow horse hooey. Thirty years from now, will you really care what color your flowers were? Probably not. You will, however, care whether or not you chose the right man to spend the rest of your life with.

That is what a wedding is about, after all.

I have this really bad habit of speaking the truth. I have made more people angry than I can count. I don’t have a lot of friends. I’ve spent years trying to keep my big mouth shut and play the game but it doesn’t work. In the end, my store of self-control fails me and the real me comes out and then it’s game over.

And, believe me, I have a lot of self-control. I can go from crying hysterically to smiling and hiding and playing the game in 30 seconds flat. It is not a good skill to have. It has made me a phoney baloney and I don’t like it. I am really tired of playing and I won’t anymore. I can’t be who people expect me to be. It hasn’t worked. I have worked so hard to play the part. Look pretty. Be the good little docile lady. That’s not who I am. I get upset that nobody likes me but nobody knows me. Nobody knows what I really believe or think or feel. It was all an extravagant act to protect myself and it failed miserably.

Be on alert. I will be brutally honest. You probably won’t like what I have to say and I don’t care anymore. This is not a popularity contest. I realize this is probably the death of this website. Oh well. I have to be true to myself and my God. I have a gift for spotting crap a mile away. I have tried so hard to stifle that gift. I can’t anymore.

My Savior was willing to go to His death for the sake of His love for the world. He never played patty cake with people but spoke the truth. He never promised that we would LIKE the truth but He did promise that it would set us free.

That is my example and that is what I must do. People misunderstand me. They think I have an axe to grind but that’s not true. I love people. Maybe too much. I would rather tell you flat out that you’re a sinner than stand by silently and watch you go to hell.

Hate me if you must. Call me judgmental if you will. That’s fine. I know who I am and I know what I am capable of. I know that I am pond scum without the Lord. I know that He really is the only good thing in me. I know that I have already judged myself a hundred times over again and that’s why I can see it so clearly in you. I see your pain because it is my pain as well. I know the hard truths I’ve had to face about myself. I know how freeing that is. If you would rather shoot the messenger than receive the gift, more power to you. Have at it. I hope it takes you where you want to be.

I am not here to play church but to be salt and light to a dying world. Every minute I spend on the foo-foo femmy is a minute I’m not shining my light.

I can’t be silent anymore. I can’t play the people pleaser anymore.

Father, forgive me for trying to make a buck off of Your name and sacrifice on the cross. I have cheapened it and I am not worthy to be called a Christian. Lord, please forgive me for trying to have it both ways. I have been the double minded person You speak of in James. Help me lay down the world. Help me stand, Lord. Give me the courage to match my convictions. Remove from me this need to be loved and replace it with a need to love. Not in the mutual admiration way the world loves but the truth way that You love. Speak the truth. Sometimes that truth is hard. Very hard. But it is the truth that sets us free.

Post Script – I wrote this post in a very raw state.  I hesitate to change it because it is a good reminder of what is most important.  I have come to realize, however, that “most important” and “solely important” are not the same thing.  My first wedding really sucked.  It was not at all what I wanted – which is fitting because neither was the marriage.  The second time, it was very important to me that I have my dream church wedding complete with all the trimmings.  “Most important” was the relationship I had with my future husband but that didn’t make the wedding itself not important.  I am learning the importance of balance.  I am still a work in progress.